A Man’s Best Friend

So on June 2, 2018 I had to put my oldest baby down. She was going to be 13. Many people have told me, “oh it’s just a cat, go get another one!” And to them I say Fuck You! I am not ready for another baby. My youngest baby is so lonely and clingy. She misses her sister so much. I know I might be selfish, but I need to grieve. That “cat” brought so much joy and love into my life. She made me laugh and cry laughing. She was mommy’s love of my life lol. She cracked me up with her personality. She used to curse me out and beat me up when she didn’t have her way. She wanted food, best believe she demanded it right then and there. I see her all the time…. A lot of people say animals aren’t family. Again I say Fuck You! I rather deal with an animal than a human. Us humans can’t even take care of our own kind and yet these “animals” protect and love their own. The world needs more animals…..

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Bad Times

Story Time With Cascade Realm!

I am about to tell you guys a story about what I’ve been through these past few months….

I was at work doing security at the World Trade Center. I was working a 1600-2400 shift. (4pm-12am) Walking my post I get a call around 2315-2330 (11:15-11:30) from my aunt saying that my Wella (Grandmother) had fallen and wasn’t acting like herself. She was very disoriented and sluggish. She told me she was trying to pick her up and she had a gash on her lip. I told her to give me the phone and let me speak to her. She tried to say my name and couldn’t. Come on she knows I’m one of her favorites lol….

Then my Wella just become unresponsive. My aunt said she was calling the ambulance. She was rushed to Jacobi Medical Center. Which is one of the worst hospitals in NYC by the way. They stated she was rushed to the nearest hospital because of head trauma. My thing was, if it was head trauma; why not send her to the hospital that she always goes to for her head? So…. I immediately walked off post told my supervisor I’m out due to a family emergency. Clocked out and proceeded to the trains. I called my partner and she rushed to meet me. Around 12am -1am we arrive there. Then my aunt came to me telling me everything and explaining what had happened when she spoke to the doctor. I ask her did she call my other aunt or uncle? She goes for what? I say they have to know. So I get my phone and call my other aunt and boy it took forever for her to pick up. I called the house, her cell and the house again and finally after around 20 minutes I get an answer. My question is you know it’s your niece calling after midnight so it must be something important right? Ok let me get back to the story…

Her boyfriend picked up, I waited and waited and waited and then my groggy aunt gets on the phone. I tell her everything and she says ok, I’ll be there later….

Later!!!!! Like come on man!

I hang up. Go to see my Wella and she looks bad. Looks like she had a stroke. Her right side is not moving. The doctor claimed it wasn’t one. I say yes it was…

Fast forward. She’s been in the hospital since November 18th 2017. With a Massive Stroke and 2 seizures’ later. It is now February 5th and still no real response. I told my aunt and uncle to get her transferred to her main hospital like a week after she was in Jacobi. My uncle telling me he was trying to get his lawyer. Blah. My grandmother has been probed and fed through a tube for months! I go to visit and I always grab her hand. She does grab mine as well and does this rubbing thing that she always does when she grabs my hand when I go to the house and visit her. The doctors say it’s just a freaking nerve response. I say no…

I always said that if she were transferred to her main hospital that knows her condition, her medication, her entire medical record, she would be awake now.

What my grandmother is going through is very hard on me. She raised me after my mother died. One of my aunts just wants to be with her boyfriend alone and just to move away. My uncle just had a guilty conscious because of all the crap he has done to her as well past and present. They put her in a rehabilitation center. They did not tell me. They did not call me nor did they even tell anyone else. They actually never call me because I said what I said. They are egotistical ungrateful kids! They just had Jacobi drop her off. I am the only grandchild that has been there for my Wella since day one. This isn’t her first hospital stay. In July she was in the hospital for almost a month! My aunt went on vacation. My uncle to his so called job and internship that he couldn’t get away from. (Grown ass man on an internship…) I live in New Jersey. My Wella lives in the Bronx. My partner and I stayed there while my aunt was on vacation and my uncle nowhere to be found or just sleeping. I lost my position at my job because I was away too long. I don’t drive. The traveling from work to there then home was killing my pockets and me. Mind you he lives there. I fixed her bathroom door that was hanging on its last nail. I fixed the front door lock, which was broken. I called and made all of her appointments. And her son has the fucking gall to tell me “I signed up for this.” I cursed his ass out. “This is your mother and you aren’t doing shit for her! You live here!” One of my older cousins helped me with Wella coming straight from work to Wella’s house and freaking stayed until my uncle got home to just go to sleep.

 

So now I hate them.

 

With a Passion…

 

My Wella always said if she ever goes into a vegetative state do not leave her that way. Don’t put her in a nursing home or any place that is not her home. They went against her wish. She demanded to be DNR. Yes she is breathing on her own now but she can’t do anything. She can’t move or talk or feed herself. She can barely blink her eyes. The doctors all say her movements are just the nerves. I pray everyday that she makes it through this so she can tear shit up and curse everyone out. Imagine hearing so much and can’t say anything? I want her to go peacefully on her own in her own home. She’s a Veterans Wife! She is no saint but no one deserves to live uncomfortably and suffer at the hands of his or her incompetent children.

Reality Check

Do you hear that?

Footsteps?

Beating of drums.

Silence.

Heartbeat? Faster and faster.

Ga goon, ga goon, ga goon.

You’re trying to run. Trying to escalate the rhythm of your feet.

Your theme song playing in the back of your mind.

On repeat.

Da da da da da nan nan.

You turn around, it’s just your shadow following you. You frown, turn to walk away. The beads of sweat that have formed, slowly dissipate.

You catch your breath. With anxiety kicking in, only to find yourself palpitating.

You grab your chest. Fear of losing breath with both hands wrapped around your neck. You begin to fret.

You tell yourself don’t panic. It’s just a test.

Testing 1,2,3

Testing 1,2,3

This is a test, only a test of the emotional balancing system.

Of depression.

As angst steadily accumulates, you think about ending this book.

No, this fan fiction of reality.

Your reality. A reality of past reality mixed in with a little bit of present reality and the thought of future reality wishing you had a little bit of virtual reality.

To shut down.

Turn the page.

Grab a new pen.

Create another story.

A story of life.

Ending.

No happily ever after, but happily after ever.

Quiana Carrero

11/12/17©️

Family And It’s Meaning To You

Family is important. Do not take them for granted. Especially those with their hand out… to help you.

So hey it’s me again. I know, I know it’s been a while since I shared my brain and my mediocre thoughts. So much has been going on in my life, like employment, my personal life, my grandmother, and most of all my family. Oh yes! My awesome family! No not really. If I could pick and choose…

Well let me let you in on something. Blood isn’t always thicker than water. Blood may keep you alive but water refreshes and invigorates you. Water quenches that undying thirst. It’s that feeling when you are in this blistering heat and are dying for something to make you feel better. Water! Water I say! The reason behind this analogy is the mere fact that family doesn’t always keep you alive. Hence “Blood” and that perfect strangers or friends keep you more alive and sane. Hence “Water”. Don’t get me wrong I love my family to the depths of this earth to the infinite spectrum of this universe. Now this doesn’t say I have to like them. What? Cascade why so mean? Wait a minute y’all, I most definitely have my reasons. I’m a family person. I love family gatherings, outings and just spending time. But once you get the egos, the controlling, the money (can’t forget the dough yo) the everlasting need to be first, the need to always be right and the best. Those things put a damper on all the good feels of family.

Now me, I lost my mommy when I was very young. These people still have theirs and treat them like their mothers owe them anything. No. Nope. Nah uh. Mothers don’t owe their kids a damn thing! The kids owe their lives to their mothers. The ones that had their vagina ripped open for something the size of a watermelon. The ones that gave up their dreams so they can give you that chance to have a fucking dream. Now would I feel differently if my mother were still alive and getting on my nerves? Probably so, but guess what? I won’t ever treat my mother the way some of these so-called adults do. She fed you, changed you, and talked to you when you were afraid of the dark. She’s done everything in her power to make sure you were good and well. Wait, yes I know we have some deadbeat mothers out there that shouldn’t even be amongst the living but forget them. I’m talking about the good ones, the lovable ones. The loved ones that are invaluable to our destiny, our future and our today.

Family means the world to me but I’m ready to leave a few behind so that I won’t get blindsided in creating my own. I don’t want an intangible lifestyle for my future family or me. Bad family is like an ant walking into a spider web. It will always get stuck unless it starts taking another route and start watching its surroundings.

So am I the only one that feels this way? Am I the only one that wishes things were a little bit different? What does family mean to YOU?

 

Guess What I was Thinking?

So I was just eating some burritos. (My butt is ok, for now…) and something came over me. Guess what it was? Come and guess… I’ll wait…

 

 

 

Still waiting…

 

Waiting…

 

 

Ok. Really can you guess what came over me?

 

I give up with you people lol. The feeling that came over me was how times have definitely changed since the 80’s and 90’s. (I’m an 80’s baby yea!) I remember going outside and playing with my friends from the block, hanging and beating up my cousin/brother. My Brosin! ©lol  (BTW I won’t even touch him now. I love my life HA!!!)

Man we used to play Manhunt. Where we all picked one person to catch us and the first person caught would be the next person to catch another person. It was hella fun. I used to get picked on a lot. My fat ass couldn’t run or climb fast enough. *Gives side eye.

Another game we used to play was Spin the Bottle. *Cough cough. We used to play basketball with the garbage cans and race down the hill with our skateboards or rollerblades. Ah, how I miss those times. I remember when I almost lost my leg! (Thanks to my Brosin)

The thing that triggered something to come over me were these knuckleheads outside my building playing with a paint gun and a laser gun! My lady and I dread going outside at times. These buffoons are always up to doing nothing but smoking weed and sitting on the curb. Leaving blunt wraps and empty dime bags all around. Wait do they still call it dime bags? Well I eh I don’t care. But what I question is, do you have anything else better to do? Maybe a job, school, family, sleep, eating, exercise or a reputable talent other than soft butt and doodoo bud breath? I will never know. I mean we used to hang out in front of our building when we were younger but we were being productive. Reading books, magazines, playing Pog, hopscotch, or playing the games I mentioned above. stoop

I know I will get some flack from this but it is so true. These young people now just want to play hard and not work. Well if slinging bags 8 hrs a day is something you want to do, go ahead but don’t shit where you sleep and have something to fall back on for the future. I have family that have lived that life and some still do but at least they know how to delegate stuff. You couldn’t tell if they did it or not. These dudes now, they make that crap noticeable. (They coming around! Being yelled almost every hour when the POPO is coming around.) drugdealers

I’m not knocking the hustle but clean it up a little.

I am not saying that my block is bad because you have hustlers on every block everywhere. But it could be better. Get better too.

 

This was my rant on how things have changed. Oooh wait a min! Remember when we used to wear the baggy white T’s and baggy jeans with the Tims or some Nikes? Yea, me too. Those were the days… Nowadays all you see is tight jeans blocking all the future babies of America *Watermelon. Having your pants so low, that we can see all through the buttocks. Shit stains and wedgies along with the odor. (Yes I’ve been that close riding the trains and visiting NY with their crowded trains. )

 

*Do I have any other rants or thoughts? Damn Cascade Think!!

 

Nope I think that is all for now my people.

I have a question for you though? What grinds your gears of how it used to be compared to now?

 

Cold Feet About Writing My Long Awaited Book

Well I am in the process of writing, editing and publishing my very own book. My first to be exact. I have been writing since I was about 13 years old. ( I am 20 years of ignorance and 14 years of I still don’t know what my purpose is) I think I know a little bit of what my purpose is though. To heal people, to cleanse my spirit (and others) and to practice my craft. I practice magick among other new age practices. (even though these practices have been around for generations. I don’t know why they call what we do new age. Should be called Old Age lol) But anyway back to my unfinished book.

I have been trying to type my book up for ages. I started writing this book in 2006, but never put it anywhere electronically. With this day and age, everything is either in a phone or a computer. Many people do not start with pen and paper anymore. I am old-fashioned. I love my notebooks and pens. I love being able to write or jot down my many different ideas without worrying about auto-correct or typos. But since I live in the technology era, I must comply with what is in front of me. SO… I have about a trillion pages of my writing scattered everywhere. I had to break it down to chapters. I mean man, I wrote on toilet paper, folders, receipts, envelopes, and whatever I can get my hands on to write. Any alternative to a notebook was good by me. I used to write on the toilet while thinking…. Hee Hee! 

Now comes the difficult part. To type it all up! Man this is taking me forever. What font should I use? What kind of size should it be? Should I capitalize this? Should I edit that? This is rough work, but I am so far adjusting to it and getting closer to where I want to be. Now the fun part is researching how to get it published. I have went to several sites to check the fees and so on and so forth but they are all different and with different rules depending on the state you are trying to publish in. I see so many copy-write fees and disclosures, it’s excruciating to even bear that I soon will have to just grin and bear it and get er done. 

For now I am just going to type it all up and print a few copies out and let the close ones around me take a gander and tell me what’s up? I trust that they will oblige me in providing some good constructive criticism. If you read this far and know anything about publishing books, what site to visit, who to call, what company to publish my book, or any feedback is greatly appreciated and please leave a comment with that info. I need all the assistance and guidance I can get. I am going to succeed. I know I am. 

 

We Are The Weirdos by Abigail Larson (DeviantArt) (picture)